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These were some questions raised in a few interesting blog posts , some as responses to reader comments, on Psychology Today. White says, we rarely, if ever talk, about the ethics of a spouse refusing to have sex with the other for years. Sex is among their expectations. Yet few people talk about how they will handle things if one or the other loses interest in sex especially since that happens more frequently than not. Does an absence of sex in a relationship justify adultery, the good philosopher asks.
In addition, adultery brings a third person into what is a problem between two, which may only aggravate whatever problem led to the breakdown in sex in the relationship in the first place.
While we are certainly not promoting affairs as a way to deal with sexlessness in a marriage, we wonder about the many other ways spouses betray each other beyond just affairs or denying the other sex.
Spouses can treat each other horribly, and yet we only get in a tizzy when one or the other cheats. Why is sexual fidelity considered the No. As Mating in Captivity author Esther Perel so beautifully puts it: But betrayal comes in many forms.
Betrayal is a breach, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. An affair may be about completely different things but it implies betrayal. And yet, there is no great societal outcry over ending those sorts of behaviors, just societal shaming and blaming of often-long-suffering spouses who cheat. A poll Vicki ran on her blog indicates an overwhelming majority believe withholding sex in a marriage is as bad as infidelity.
Want to keep up with The New I Do? Pre-order the book on Amazon , follow us on Twitter , like us on Facebook. I can say I know the conflict a person, male or female, faces when in a relationship that is missing the component of a healthy sex life.
My wife, who is 7 year older than I and I love deeply, has fallen into a not uncommon phase where she has no desire for sex. Waxing a little selfish, this leaves me in the lurch as a healthy 40 year old male who loves his wife, finds her completely desirable and desperately wants to consumate that love….
Thanks for commenting, Bwood, and I am sorry to hear of your situation. A neutral third person like a therapist might help, but in any event a very tough conversation is essential and perhaps even presenting the possibility of opening up your marriage.
I say leave her. I am in the same situation and i feel betrayed and have wasted a life where it could have been very different.
Sex is a part of relationship and means more to a male than a female. Females know this and they also know its the best way they can really hurt a male over time. Week after week after month after years of knock backs I have learned when a female hates a male they deprive them of sex. And then when a female hates a guy even more they wont leave — even when you tell them to move on — and will try to messup any other relationship you potentially might have.
I speak as one of those women. So please, stop with the ignorance. I totally disagree with you! I would say over those 4 years we had sex 6 times? Next day he returns to his old way of thinking nothing is wrong and everything is ok.
I already left him once mostly because of this and our nonstop fights. I know, that sounds terrible. Maybe I AM stressing him. Should I give up on us?
I am a female and have been in a sexless marriage for two years. My husband cheated about 20 years ago. I stayed in the marriage then because of a small child.
We went to marriage counselling then, but after two sessions he refused to go anymore. Which is worse cheating or sexless marriage? Trapped in a marriage where my spouse make me feel worthless and undesireable. BTW I am attractive, fit and dress well. I believe it goes both ways. I am a female trapped in a not only sexlessmarriage but also loveless with a husband 13 yrs older than me and he has neglected me for quite some time.
The only time I had sex I had to beg and unfortunately I missed the red flags back then. Sex had to be his way, his position, his day n time when I got. So, I barely got any sex and I am really resentful but I learned to let go and move on loving me to fill the gaps that my relationship provided me with. I got pregnant eventually after trying for 1 year and now I am a stay at home mother trapped until I am able to provide for myself. I am sad and got resentful because I think people should be honest about their sex appetite.
So, my sexless marriage anniversary is older than the real begging years anniversary. There is a time for everything in life! A husband who watched a bikini clad beauty contest on TV while on our honeymoon rather than come to bed with his real life wife who was equally beautiful if I do say so myself. It never really got much better over our 25 year marriage. I always had to be the initiator. I was always charged up and ready to go. He did not like touching me, or being very physical.
I was a passionate woman who was always available and willing to please him in any way. I gave sexually, and he mostly took. He was not interested in pleasing me, just in getting his pleasure. He thought is was gross.
I cried myself to sleep many nights. We were blessed with two children and I believe that is the best thing that came from our marriage. Months before our 25 year anniversary, he tells me he had been involved with another woman for the past FIVE years! He recently broke it off because HER friend told him that his affair partner was cheating on him! HE was acting like a seventh grade school boy..
He also realized that I was about to discover his secret too long of a story to explain and that is why he told me. I later found out that he was going to strip clubs, getting lap dances from strippers, and subscribing to porn websites on the family computer. He was also masturbating several times a week…probably daily. He was spending one of his days off with this woman, her family and friends. I feel like a naive dope, having been duped all these years.
When we completed that portion of the therapy, he decided we were done and back to normal. He refuses to do the nightly dialogue which should be an ongoing part of our healing. He refuses go to monthly follow up meetings. I had hoped we could start anew and make our marriage a positive one, but he does not want to do what it takes. I have asked him for kisses, but he said he doesnt like doing that and kissing is for young couples.
I asked if he could be affectionate with me. No touching, no kissing, no sex, no dating, etc. I have tried, he is content. I shop, run, cycle, and compete in triathlons. I feel happier and healthy mentally. He pays for everything. And i mean he PAYS. I shop, buy whatever i want, travel, vacation with my kids, do whatever I want. My kids are happy, we live in our beautiful home, have all of the comforts, they take piano, dance, and guitar lessons, have parties, and all the privileges their fathers occupation affords.
If we divorced, they would lose out financially and emotionally. I have already given up on him and now intend to make the best of my situation for me and the kids. He just wants to forget what he did and move on. It seems to me that most of these people who cause this kind of trauma for their spouse are selfish. He is just a fixture around the house. Honestly, he has not healed like I have because he cannot face himself and his truth.
Not true, my husband whom i love very dearly and still desire no less than the first uear we were together, has lost all desire. I use to think sex once a month was bad, now i feel so starved of human touch. He tells me how much he loves me and finds me attractive, all i can think is that must be a load. If i ever speak of another friend of the opposite sex he remidnds me how he has been faithful anf i better not be thinking of someone else like that.
But my God, how hard is it to be faithful when you know i am always willing, and dying for your touch. I, on the other hand, am doing everything i can to stay faithful in this no longer intimate marriage. My husband of over 40 years was injured and is unable to give me what I need I love and adore him so I get a little on the side no harm no fowl keeps the edge off./p>
I realized one day that his journal entries had anodd tone. He was writing as if his ventures were reconnaissancemissions into enemy territory. He was thinking and feeling like aman disguised as a woman, a transvestite, or perhaps a sissy crossdresser. This was not what I wanted. If hethought he was a man, other women might too, and that could lead tomischief.
And I certainly didn't want to think of him as a man --Craig was all the man I wanted to deal with. Plainly, I had topush my crossdressing cuckold further. It dawned on me only slowly.
His tranquillizer pills began to showsome distinct secondary effects. His nipples became noticeablylarger, protrusive, puffed out and incredibly sensitive. I foundin fact that I could make his slack penis drool just by touchingthem. One morning when I was sucking and caressing them gently Inoticed him grow raptly attentive to some inner kind of music,breathing more and more deeply, his eyes closed.
Then suddenly hestiffened and gasped and moaned aloud in a kind of agony, then withjoyous satisfaction. I reached for his cock and found it slick andslippery, and his balls and belly too. He'd actually climaxedwithout my touching him down below at all!
My new girlfriend withhis boy's equipment had actually had a girl's orgasm! The same aswhen I'd fucked his ass with a dildo! That was as satisfying to me as I am sure it was for him, becauseit meant he didn't need erections in order to enjoy for himself theerotic pleasure I was getting from Craig.
So I wasn't cheating himafter all. He seemed too embarrassed to mention his inability toget hard or his nipples' altered appearance, but I knew he had tobe puzzled or anxious about both.
So I raised the topic oneevening while caressing and kissing his new little boobs, his headflung back on the pillow in ecstasy. That your clit will become a stiff penis again. He let out a little yip.
They don't have todisappear. Do you like this? Oh, yes, yes, I do! Then it's settled, you'll keep them. I said no more. He was half out of his mind, but he'd agreed tokeep his enlarged nipples.
He didn't know he had no choice ofcourse. I might have been mistaken, but his rear end actually began to lookcute too! At first I worried about it, but finally I liked eventhat.
A nice round butt instead of his skinny one, yet anotherphysical change all to the good. It too would remain when thesummer and my glorious affair with Craig had ended, but I didn'tmind.
Whenever I saw them, his nipples and his ass would remind meof my wonderful hubby's unknowing sacrifice of some of his manhoodso I could enjoy another man's greater manhood guilt-free. Andeach day he was getting more and more understanding of my point ofview.
Our morning chats really were getting to be like gossip andgiggle sessions between two women. I couldn't escape the idea. If his body and his attitudes wereturning the corner from masculine to feminine, I should make someother changes too. Make him more of a woman, give him a realfigure. In fact give him everything but an actual vagina.
Cherylpersuaded me that a vagina would be too much, it was too dangerous. If Mort had a vagina, she pointed out, he'd feel free to leave heraltogether to live a normal woman's life. Without one, he'd alwaysbe incomplete, and that was how we wanted our girly men. I was starting to conclude that my cuckold crossdresser neededbreasts. Not just the tokens he was growing, but large, heavybreasts. Daily, hourly reminders that he wasn't an imitation butmostly the real thing, that he had no choice but to think ofhimself that way.
A resident woman, not just a visitor or a spy. I'd already gotten him a beautiful pair of curved silicone breasts,heavy, soft, glue-on prostheses, so he'd appreciate how women feelabout wearing bras, how bras provide essential support yet pull atthe shoulders, So he'd always remember to wear his own bras or elseendure an uncomfortable and absurd bobbling when he was jogging ordoing his morning jazzercise routine.
So he couldn't possiblyrelapse and go out dressed as a man when I was at work. But now Irealized that his artificial breasts weren't enough. I did want him to want them, but I couldn't figure out how to makehim want them.
I couldn't tell him how Craig did certain things tomine that drove me wild, in fact led me into chain orgasms bytouching, licking, or sucking my breasts in special ways,especially my nipples. I did much the same to him as his nipplesgrew. But his lacked the heft, the generous, soft, ripe handfulsof flesh Craig could clasp and lift gently until I couldn't resisthim and had to climb back onto him until he was into me.
My crossdressing cuckolddidn't have anything like that even though his nipples becameimpressive. I always encouraged him to make love to my breasts, to caress andkiss and tongue them, and I always made ecstatic sounds suggestinghow that made me feel. And of course I brought him to orgasmrepeatedly with his. But he never envied my boobs. I realizedthat on his own he'd never ask for larger breasts.
I decided hehad to be granted them as if they were a special blessing, a gift,as a fait accompli. Then he'd have to accept them, and I was surehe would. Craig and I were each due two weeks of summervacation. Craig proposed that we sail away together for the wholetime on a yacht he could borrow, to Bermuda and back, just the twoof us alone in a small boat on a wide ocean, naked and in closequarters the whole time.
His intentions were obvious enough. Hewanted to lay serious seige to me, to capture my heart entirely ifhe could, so he could then feel free to toss it aside if he wished. He wanted to conquer me. I thought I could do the same with him,or maybe two weeks of uninterrupted lovemaking would weary both ofus beyond any desire to continue the affair. Or maybe we'd findthat climbing into and around each other as a daily thinghabituated us, build our passion to an intensity that would sustainitself during the succeeding months of the summer, when we'd beseeing each other only weekly again.
Well, if I could get my crossdressing cuckold out of town, he'd never know that Iwas out of town too! I asked Cheryl how to do it, and she providedthe easy answer. Tell my crossdressing cuckold that he had to get rid of all thehair on his whole body for good, permanently, excepting only hisBikini patch and his eyebrows. That the soft, silky skin Doreenhad given him was denied its proper sheen by the hair follicleshe'd unfortunately developed in his puberty.
That his naturalbeauty required perfect smoothness. That his close daily shave wasonerous for him and scratchy for me, tiresome for both of us. Thathe deserved to be liberated from that ordeal so he could spend moretime gracing his eyes and cheeks with shadows and blushes. That hedidn't deserve the pain of a weekly full body waxing either. ThatI'd love him forever if he got rid all of his hair permanently, byelectrolysis and lasers, if he'd make that small sacrifice for me,no sacrifice really, since since he never intended anyhow to growa beard or a moustache.
That I didn't like them. I told him that there was a special clinic in Texas fortransgendered men where they could render anyone hairlessskillfully, thoroughly, and painlessly in only two weeks instead ofthe years otherwise needed.
That they eliminated all bodily andfacial hair while their clients were in day-long tranquillizedstupors. I told him I'd make all the arrangements, that all he hadto do was travel there and then at the end of two weeks travel backlooking prettier than ever. Ifthat's what you want. I told him I couldbear up and live without him for the two weeks, knowing that he'dbe returning to me perfected in his resolve to live as a womanuntil fall classes began again. That he really and truly caredabout how I felt.
That same clinic offered other cosmetic procedures I didn't mentionto my crossdressing cuckold. I phoned them and ordered the full body and facialdepillation for which they were famous, then also ordered largebreast implants for my crossdressing cuckold.
On impulse I also ordered a modestamount of fat redistribution for him, liposuction of fat from hiswaistline to his buttocks, so they'd be really round. He'd notonly have smooth skin and boobs, he'd have an incredible ass! Lethim try to be a man like Craig looking like that! I recalled thatfirst Sunday of our new arrangement, when I'd first seen himstanding naked and contemplating my panties, and I'd realized thatif his figure was less thin, more feminine, more curvacious, Iwouldn't at all mind.
That then he'd be my girl, and Craig wouldbe my man, and my life would be complete. Best of all, by the timehe returned to full consciousness and to me, he'd be mostly healed.
It would be a done deal. I knew him -- he'd accept it and decideto live with it. My hubby now well tended, I was free to enjoy my trip to Bermuda. We sailed and fucked, sailed and sucked, sailedand rolled all over each other.
I seduced Craig and had his cockworking deep inside me before we'd even left the inner harbor andset the mainsail, and that set our schedule for the week. InBermuda we found a luxurious hotel and never left the room exceptfor a brief trip when I bought myself some seductive outfits thathad Craig all over me, tearing them off, the whole trip back.
When we returned to port we were even more feverish with desire foreach other than when we'd begun, and could barely unplasterourselves. As I lay with my palms flat against across Craig'sbare, hard, bronzed, muscular chest that final morning, and kissedhim once each on nipples he could hardly feel, I had to smile.
Because I knew that at that very moment my my crossdressing cuckold was flying backto me with a chest as white, soft, heavy, and well-hung as my own. That he now had full breasts suspended from his chest fullyproportional to his enlarged, protruding nipples. I'd seenpictures of what the clinic could do -- he had an ass now too Iknew, buns to die for! We'd shop for tight pants as soon as wewere back together, and then he'd be able to show them to theworld!
My girly hubby, who now needed to wear a support bra everyday! I did so want to see him give men erections just by walkingaway from them! Now my sweet my crossdressing cuckold was no way a man. I was free to fuck Craigwithout a care in the world. I was free to cuckold him with all and every man I wanted. But I'd make sure while my affairlasted that my cuckold never regretted trading in his penis for abeautiful figure.
It was only temporary anyhow, I told myself. I did fuck Craig yet again when the boat was finally secured in itsslip and we were free to go below one last time!
I wanted to fill my pussy full up with fresh sperm and myown sweet lubrication to welcome my dear hubby home again! This time I had him kneel beside the bed while I lay acrossit casually, my feet still on the floor, and I had him push hisface into my pussy and fill his tummy. Then I fucked his ass andsqueezed almost a cupful of Craig's sperm out of my dildo's ballsand into his ass.
I'd saved it for his welcome home! The poordear leaked half the night. A few days later I read his journal entries of what had happened tohim in Texas.
When he'd emerged from his long stupor he knew he'dbe hairless, and he certainly was. But he was altogetherunprepared to see his voluptuous figure. When the nurses helpedhim to his feet, there were large, pendulous breasts pushing outfrom his chest and then arching delicately down, massive yetdainty. And his body no longer descended from chest to thighs inan approximately straight line as men's bodies do -- instead, hecurved steeply to a small waistline, then around and out into broadhips.
He was a girl! No, his cock was still there, bald as whenhe was a boy, but it looked small, non-consequential. His shapeseemed as exaggerated as a stripper's or a porn star's, no longerrecognizable as his own. At first he was horrified. But even as he looked he felt his softcock begin to stir! He looked so incredibly sexy! He felt turnedon by his own mirror image.
Did he want to fuck himself? No, he told himself, I'm already fucked! But as I read on, as I'dhoped and expected he accommodated to it. Is she a closet lesbian? If she is, I still love her. All she'd had to do was ask me, and I'd have done what she wanted! She'll tell me why she wanted methis way when the summer's over and I can shift back to beingmyself.
It was that easy. That was all I had to do. For a couple moremonths now I could be a hard-fucking, sexually voracious woman withCraig and a loving lesbian with my crossdressing cuckold.
Then in September we'dsort things out. That night I found I no longer needed a pillow inorder to give his ass a long, slow, lingering love-fest with hisfavorite dildo, all the while I was giving his breasts a taste ofwhat Craig often did with mine, lifting and shaping and caressingthem with both hands and my mouth.
He went blissfully ecstatic. Any lingering resentment he might have felt at being trickedvanished. When the summer ended, I told him, he could easily havehis breasts removed, but meanwhile they were his to enjoy, mysurprise gift to him.
Did he like having them? And by mid August I was so accustomed to being married to a crossdressing cuckold with tits that I no longer noticed them. He'd gotten accustomed too, so much so that when he put on a bra in the morning he'd bend forward and dunk himself into the cups while clipping the band behind his back all in a single fluid motion, without thinking.
He was more graceful at it than many women I've seen getting dressed. But if she knew I knew about her uncontrollable passion for this guy, whoever he is, it would devastate her.
She couldn't handle it. Between her feelings of guilt, her frustration, her antagonism toward me for interfering, and her thwarted passion she'd tear our marriage to shreds.
So I need to protect her from knowing I know. And the fact is, I don't mind having these boobs. Not having them but trying to be a woman anyhow has been inconvenient. Now I feel authentic. They open a whole new world to me. And besides, they feel incredibly sexy. And did I mention that I now have a woman's butt too? I can wear pants again and never for a moment be mistaken for a man! Those guys on the street who pinch my ass in passing now really have something to get their fingers into.
But I won't encourage them. Mort thinks we should stop seeing each other so often. Cheryl doesn't mind the way we've been going at it so hot and heavy lately, and she promises not to tell Mandy, but it's getting pretty intense, all this smooching and stroking, all this fingering of each other's pussies.
Even though the orgasms are fantastic. I think Mort's feeling grieved because I won't suck his clit to climax even though he sucks mine every time we meet. I keep telling him I want to be a one-man girl, I want to keep my mouth faithful to Mandy's lover's cum, to respect the integrity of Mandy's decision to share it with me, whatever her reasons.
That's my way to stay married and faithful to her. I wish Mort could understand that. More and more I like being a girl.
In fact I love it! Especially now that Marge and Annemarie have accepted me as one of them, and allow me to get naked and form a daisy chain with them now and then.
We sometimes lick each other non-stop, round and round all afternoon when we should be doing our proper work. And sometimes we use dildos on each other. I wish my 'meat dildo' as Marge calls it would get stiff enough to use on them. I love getting fucked. But I also love just being one of the girls together with them, hanging out, chatting, just being with them the way Mandy likes to be with me, she says.
And often is, when she has the time. Last night Mandy set me up to suck a guy's cock. She sucked another guy's, but I think only to encourage me and keep me company. We found them in a bar. He was a nice man, and he hadn't the foggiest that I wasn't a desirable girl.
It wasn't easy for me, watching Mandy suck off the other guy, I am her crossdressing sissy after all, and it shook me up so badly I could hardly hold my own guy's cock in my mouth.
But that's how it is, she's faithful to me in her fashion, and I have to live with it. So now I'm a cocksucker. She has something else in mind for me too, I don't know what. Anyhow, today I called Mort up and told him now it was all right, I was willing now to go all the way with him orally. We met for lunch at Les Bergeres and then we went to a motel, and it was wonderful how we slipped under each other's skirts and then sucked on each other's clits all afternoon, and never even felt the need to undress!
Mine stays soft, but what it can't shoot out leaks out, and it all feels wonderful. A friend of mine told me that about 6 months ago I told him: Man with this kind of behaviour will have a hard time admitting it, then even harder time acting on it and looking for help. They will try to keep you, and make you believe that they will do something and change… maybe they can, but it is a process they have to go through themselves, they need lots of therapy and they need to be open and honest.
I also agree with her comment to leave your sex addict ASAP. My moment of awakening finally came when I accepted the fact that nothing in her life was ever going to be more important to her than her addictions. He thinks in an idiot. Came home with a hardon and said that is was. Does he think im a moron? I detest this man now. He was addicted to porn and oogling and jerking off getting hard watching TV shows.
Nothing even sexual on tv. The shit on his computer he should be in jail. He looks at every age. No age discrimination Here. Then he tries to make me look crazy.
Going to a Xmas party. I fucking hate him. Are you sure your talking about my husband cause he sounds the exact same, except he honks, whistles and acts like he is smacking her ass with his hand gesters. He also has called women on Craigslist for massages, and visited a few but claims he never went in.
Really, I hate this mother fucker. Please check the histrionic personality disorder and compare it with your husband. Thank you for your post and all the posts here. I left my husband of 8 years, 5 months ago.
His behaviour is well represented here already and at the end of the day he chose this behaviour over his family, home and business, devastating is an understatement. I was finally able to detach from him and stop enabling. I need to change and walk down a different road. Even though leaving my marriage is excruciatingly painful it is far less painful than living with his destructive behaviour and the craziness of trying to rationalize it.
If I want a different life then I need to start thinking differently and that is my next task. I realized in the week after the house sold and I was well and truly alone that I had profound regret for some of my actions in the marriage, I was not the person I wanted to be, angry, etc. Regret in a good way, I see that I can take a step back and give myself and others space. At the fundamental core he had a deep disrespect for me in matters of marriage and our business as well as other women.
After leaving I can finally believe him. My husband sounds like yours. He treats me with disrespect more often than not.
Obviously I am not an equal in this marriage. I wish I could do that. Maybe I will one day. Just like your husband my husband is a good person and has many good qualities. He loves looking at young girls but denies it. I first became aware of this problem when we were out for a nice dinner when a young waitress walked past us and he took his eyes off of me to scan her body. I let that go. But when she walked past the other way, he took the opportunity to scan the other side of her body.
I disengaged and remained silent during the remainder of the meal. He mentioned that all of a sudden I was acting different. I pointed out in the car on our way home what he did and how disrespectful that was. He claimed that he notices movement out of the corner of his eye and has to look. What a crock of BS that is. I let that go and forgot about it until about two months later when we were leaving a show home through the garage.
I was ahead of him when two attractive 15 yr old girls were approaching me. I turned around to see if my husband would be checking them out and sure enough, his eyes were popping out of his head and his mouth open as he watched them walk past him. The look on his face told me how hot and desireable he found them. By the way, my husband was 50 yrs old at the time. How creepy is that! Right after that, we went to a pub for supper.
At the end of the meal, hubbie picked up the bill, paying for it at the table with the card machine. As the waitress took the card and entered the information in the machine, I saw him scan her body. Later that night as we were just laying down to go to sleep, I mentioned what I saw.
So he must not have done this. I sure did see this and have since seen more of this behaviour. On top of this, we quit having sex due to the fact I felt no better than a roommate and not feeling desired. He also started belittling my body for several months. Keep in mind here that he is well over pounds overweight and I was maybe 25 pounds overweight.
She is the same age as our oldest daughter. This hurts me immensely. He does this all the time. When I asked him about this, he said she sent the request. He often went to the restaurant at lunch by himself where she works.
She always gave him free fries. Like he needs them. Several months later I looked through his FB feed and saw that he liked a photo of her laying on her bed in just a tshirt.
I took a screenshot of this and texted it to him at work. He knew I was not happy. Really…what does that have to do with the picture he liked? And then he yelled at me that there is nothing wrong with watching cheerleaders! How are cheerleaders and this related? We were at an away football game end of November when I noticed he was quite aroused watching the cheerleaders dance. I tried distracting him and he got annoyed with me.
Anyways back to the FB pic, he happened to like it when we were at this football game. I gave it to him on our 32nd wedding anniversary. Then I read it. It has very religious overtones to it but it gives examples of the things men do and how to fix it.
He says he applies the techniques suggested such as bouncing the eyes and thinking of his beautiful wife when around attractive women. Does he think I was born yesterday? This is where my problem comes in. However, if there is an admission there is a problem, then there is a better chance of fixing the problem.
His denial of ogling just eats away at me. I checked out his statements to see where he spends his money. He would often gamble after work before coming home or in between out-of-office meetings during the day.
This had been going on for 3 years. We went to marriage counselling this past summer about his ogling and he never brought this up because he wanted to fix it by himself. He certainly has a gambling addiction, admitted to it, and is dealing with it. He cut up most of his credit cards and takes lunch to work. He watches his spending now.
The one male counsellor I dealt with understood what I was going through, thought my husband has been abusive and disrespectful. The marriage counsellor we saw wanted me to forget the past and move forward. I could do so much better or all men like this? I try to find reasons why I should stay, other than the financial one, but the reasons to leave are so very obvious.
I question whether I love him any more. It helps to see others are dealing with this too. I agree with others that this is mentally exhausting. I feel I am just his full in until he runs into that young girl that he can manipulate alot deeper. We are being used and abused. It just makes me sick mostly because I love him. When he does something totally embarrassing, i fight back with both barrells, yet he has a wonderful side. And the saddest part is i was.
My 4 adult children are really messed up. Geeze, why am I attracted to them? My excuse is he treats me better then any man has. Get out while you can. Now all this makes sense as I put all the pieces together.
We are currently seeing a psychologist and he too wants to sweep this issue under the rug. How will that solve anything? Thalia, one year after leaving my ogling, sex addicted spouse he is still not in therapy or making any of the promised changes I stuck around so long for. He was in the bar days after we broke up and has been partying ever since. Of course there are the women. I have moved away to move on and he has ghosted me the whole year.
Point being if a person wants to change then it is all action, not words, deviousness and unkept promises. I much prefer the peace, living my life again than ever stand for that again. I hope things pan out for you.
I offer my advice as a young man who struggles with this myself. I found a good therapist and she said she is willing to help me deal with the ogling, objectification, and masturbation.
I just need the courage to take that next step and go see her. Justin, my husband is in denial. My husband is very concerned about his image and does not want that tarnished. He says he is a man of integrity, and a professional. I admit he is behaving somewhat better when I am around but is still not quite there. He is a tough nut to crack. I feel intense hate towards him when he gets like that. Leaving him sounds like a very good idea.
Deep down I knew that what I was doing was disrespectful to women, but I kept making excuses. One day it all just became so apparent that I was living a lie.
I always prided myself on treating women with respect, yet here I was staring them down with the intent of objectification and masturbating to their thoughts and images.
I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. You mentioned that you would like your husband to see young women as he would a 60 year old.
I really like this approach because it shifts my focus away from potential sexual thoughts and more towards her fashion, hair, makeup, etc, honestly, things I never paid attention to before because o was too busy objectifying and it forces me to see her as a human being and not some masturbation tool. I now feel so much more better about myself. It IS a problem…. For at least 2 yrs or more, I was told I was imagining things or I was crazy, etc. I told him he needs professional help so he finally agreed to counseling which we went to for about 6 months.
The counselor thought HE was not being forthcoming enough i. Where do we go from here? I wish I knew!! Yes, I have been reading countless stories to see if I can find any relevance to my dilemma.
My partner is sexually oogling very young women, all beautiful, which I find no problem with, as I tend to stare at beautiful women myself but he rubs his crotch when doing so, albeit subtly. One particular morning he went out to get coffee and came home with a hard-on and I know it was not for me, as when I went to approach him, he went into the shower. This particular serving girl was exquisite and about 20… Whenever I frequent the coffee shop with him, if she is serving, there is an awkward silence, he stares elsewhere and she is blushing profusely.
He is a very handsome year-old, and he knows it. I believe this has been a lifetime of such habit. I brought up the subject several times, as every time I go out into the public I meet up with his potentials and I find it insulting… he vehemently denies anything I say and tries to make me feel that I am insecure and not thinking right…………….. It is mentally exhausting…. Eileen, I feel for you with empathy.
My husband and I are of similar age, educated, well presented and have been together for 3 years. Of course he says this is my imagination. Any other means of ejeculation works for him.
I have been going through the same.. Im in a 6 yr relationship my boyfriend has all the porn stars on his snapchat facebook and even on Instagram.. I have been with my husband 5 years. Married 1, together for 4. He has always stared at women. From our first date when he stared at every single woman walking by the window of the restaurant, to the next date when he started out the window at another women and said he was looking at the snow.
I remember having my baby and he was cruising the halls and staring at the nurses. Anything he could do to avoid any kind of intimacy with me. He fawns over our son and ignores me. We went out to a fun place with our son and while I chased my son around the place, he chose to look at every woman in there. We have been out to restaurants with mirrors on the wall and he will see a woman, go up to her and stare at her-I will see him doing this in the mirror reflection and he will lie about it. The day we married, we went to a restaurant, he scanned the ass of the hostess who walked by our table.
He did this many times. So, I have decided to leave him. Good for you to have the guts to leave and not put up with this behavior! It will never change. I was married to a man for 32 years that never did this. So I had no idea what I was getting into when I met my new husband. Now I too have faced this for the last 9 years now and married for almost 3 years to a sex addict.
Yes, the day after we married he stared down a young girl at a museum we were visiting in St. It was like out of one of those true confession stories that you read. Of course he did it slyly as he usually does and thinks he fools me. He of course always denies it. So now I keep silent and my insides stays in knots.
He only stares at young girls. A man can pass by him, an older woman can pass by him and never a glance from him. I make every excuse not to go out with him. He wants to go to a restaurant I say no, go to the beach…. I try to get out of anywhere there will be people. It hurts me too much. It was by shear accident that I met a nurse he worked with for 6 years and we got to talking and I found out that my husband was hitting on her the November before we got married in February and continued to until she left to work somewhere else about a year ago.
For 6 years and this woman would lie why? I have been struggling with my fiance of 6 months almost from the beginning which is a year and a half. He is the perfect man for me in everyway. I really do believe he loves me but all of the descriptions above are him.
I realized recently why he was doing it was to store away the images for later use. We went to the beach twice recently and he has to cover his hard on with a towel or his arm and thinks I dont know why.
I dont want to live without him in my life. It is hurting me deeply. He is a very handsome young looking 56 year old and I am also at Im too old to cope with this and have felt so alone in it.
Thanks to everyone and I wish all the best. I am seeing many in their 50s with this problem-which really is the problem for their women-WAKE and leave because the suffering and debilitating effects are absorbed by the innocent-until innocent means collaborator for staying. This is the comment I left from the one before before yours…just so you know you are not alone…it is driving me crazy too! I recommend an evaluation for sexual issues with a certified sex addiction therapist.
Hi Linda thank you for your reply. This is a great site. Yesterday I finally realized that my partner of 8 years has a very real issue with staring or ogling at younger women. This morning I told him that we, both of us, have a problem and it needs to be resolved.
The problem is that he gets scared when we talk about these types of problems and he will certainly not engage in therapy. The postings do help me to re-affirm what I have been seeing and feeling for years now. I am just overwhelmed by their beauty and sexiness. There needs to be a distinction here between casually looking at women and a pathological sex addiction! Men look at other women! And you need to deal with our own insecurities of you have a problem with it!
Married or committed partners should never NEVER ogle someone else to the point of disrespecting themselves, their partner and the person they are ogling. There is nothing wrong with casual observation of ones beauty…we all do that. But repetitive ogling and full body observation is disgusting. Any female who respects herself is disgusted by it.
It got to the point where I would have an anxiety attack if we had a function to go to. The last function we went to, we were sitting at a round table with 8 people.
This cute blond and her husband were to my husbands left. I was talking to the couple to my right. After an hour or so, I looked to my left and my husbands chair was behind me, his tie was off, he had unbuttoned his shirt and he and this cute blond were laughing and flirting and her husband was smiling and laughing finding this a turn on I guess.
I gave her the look of death and I told my husband to pull his frkn chair next to me and join the table. My anger and temper hit the roof. As usual, I was a crazed lunatic once we got to the car.
Man, living apart now and looking back, that situation was so sad for both of us. I left my porn-addicted priest husband in October With the help of a great therapist, I finally realized and accepted that all I could look forward to was emotional abuse, relational abandonment and the destruction of self. Being alone was certainly no worse than that. Living together as less than roommates was convenient and comfortable for him.
Of course a narcissist would think that. After a decade of fighting over his addiction, what else needed to be said? I admit that I hope it all comes crashing down on him someday and that his facade is ripped away so that others know him for what he is.
He will continue to be his own victim. I want to become my own heroine. The last thing I will say here is addressed to those of you thinking about tying yourself to someone who demonstrates the attitudes and behaviors Dr.
Hatch discusses so eloquently. I used to use excuse after excuse like this to rationalize in my mind what I knew deep down was wrong. This is called blaming the victim. We are talking grown women here not some 20 year old with a complex. My fiance has a bad ogling problem. It is a glance then another then another then staring.
We just came back from vacation where there were hundreds of college age kids running around in skimpy outfits. Fine you want to look.. He can kiss my not so perfect ass goodbye. I want all you ladies to know that there is hope, but only if the man really wants to change. The three second rule is something I live by now and really helps, but only if you use it to get your mind back to where it should be, as this post suggests.
I used to stare at women and think only of them as visual sexual stimuli, images to be used later during masturbation sessions. I genuinely keep any thoughts after briefly seeing her focused on a respectful admiration of her makeup, hair, clothing style, shoes, much like a woman would do if she saw her.
I do not allow myself to masturbate later to her mental image, as I keep imagining her and my wife watching me with a disgusted look on their faces, as I know without a doubt they would. This was recently put to test when we went on vacation with my wife and young girls in thong bikinis were the norm.
I was nervous at first, but I applied the same rules as I would if the girls were wearing a dress, using the three second rule and limiting my thoughts to a respectful admiration of the patterns, etc. Guess what, it worked. I hope this helps some men and women dealing with this.
I now have finally come to accept and support the fact that a woman has the right to wear whatever she wants and that it is my responsibility to control myself and behave respectfully under any circumstance.
I really do want to be a better man than that. I have been married to a man who is addicted to porn, he scans the internet for naked women daily, he falls over women when we are out, he will actually lose his place in line if there is a cute blond behind him.
I have been a raging lunatic for 7 years. And then always apologizing for my crazy behavior and his behavior never gets addressed. He had an affair 6 months ago. I know live in our Florida condo and am very peaceful. We are separated, he still pays all the bills so I have not made an effort to get a divorce but am taking the time and realizing that I can never go back to that life. Those were the most crazy 7 years of my life and he refused to admit he had a problem..
I congratulate you and thank you for the comment. Wishing you happiness from now on. We have been together for 3 years. It was fairly early when I started noticing him stare at women, young or old, as well as teenage girls. To say it creeps me out is putting it mildly. He just got better at his ogling. I call BS on that! Then he said this to his next customer: I feel less worthy when he does this….
Somehow, I find NO comfort in that. Just feeling very sad. I am a confident, very attractive woman but am sick of seeing my self-esteem tank when these issues arise. I am dating a man in his fifties he had a porn addiction and a ogling problem.. He will scope the whole room looking for females. Stores, parking lots, gas stations as we drive by…TV … He works at a high school and always checking those girls out… I Always feel like crap when I see him do this….. I am tired of talking to him about this and tired of feeling like this..
Do I keep trying it give up… I love him but it is destroying me. I have learnt a lot from this , people change only if they choose to, it is getting worse and I am happy I am stronger everyday, finally I will call it a day. I am sorting myself out for rainy days. I started bringing it to his attention. He denied profusely, said I was crazy, imagining things. And I was definitely feeling similar feelings when it occurred.
Ugh, just the thought of hearing him speak that way makes me a bit nauseous! Update on my former post. Am I just plain crazy? Linda; you are right. You need to see a CSAT therapist who has the right training. You can find one on http: Blaming the partner should never be part of it! I either got to put up with it and be miserable be alone and be miserable…. I the best of luck. He will scan wherever we are, settling on whichever eye candy he detects.
We met at a gym, and unfortunately he takes many group exercise classes and they are all women. Fit, young, half dressed women. He is very social and talks to everyone at the gym and for sure the pretty girls. I have talked him about it and he denies it of course. It makes me feel nervous and anxious to even be around him in public anymore. Whenever I see him do this and its many times a day , it makes me feel about an inch tall and is destroying my ego.
He great I every other way but reading these comments really validates my feelings. I am started therapy next week to work through this.. I am 67 and he is I am so grateful to read all your posts. Everyone on this page. I just made a decision to leave my boyfriend of 3 months. I noticed him ogling and standing way too-close-for-comfort to young girls in crowded elevators and when boarding public vehicles.
I live in Hong Kong. It got so bad that I could not go out with him.
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