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Anabolic steroids , also known more properly as anabolic—androgenic steroids AAS ,  are steroidal androgens that include natural androgens like testosterone as well as synthetic androgens that are structurally related and have similar effects to testosterone. They are anabolic and increase protein within cells , especially in skeletal muscles , and also have varying degrees of androgenic and virilizing effects, including induction of the development and maintenance of masculine secondary sexual characteristics such as the growth of facial and body hair.
Androgens or AAS are one of three types of sex hormone agonists , the others being estrogens like estradiol and progestogens like progesterone. AAS were synthesized in the s, and are now used therapeutically in medicine to stimulate muscle growth and appetite , induce male puberty and treat chronic wasting conditions, such as cancer and AIDS. The American College of Sports Medicine acknowledges that AAS, in the presence of adequate diet, can contribute to increases in body weight , often as lean mass increases and that the gains in muscular strength achieved through high-intensity exercise and proper diet can be additionally increased by the use of AAS in some individuals.
Health risks can be produced by long-term use or excessive doses of AAS. Ergogenic uses for AAS in sports , racing , and bodybuilding as performance-enhancing drugs are controversial because of their adverse effects and the potential to gain unfair advantage in physical competitions.
Their use is referred to as doping and banned by most major sporting bodies. Since the discovery and synthesis of testosterone in the s, AAS have been used by physicians for many purposes, with varying degrees of success. These can broadly be grouped into anabolic, androgenic, and other uses. Most steroid users are not athletes. AAS have been used by men and women in many different kinds of professional sports to attain a competitive edge or to assist in recovery from injury.
These sports include bodybuilding , weightlifting , shot put and other track and field , cycling , baseball , wrestling , mixed martial arts , boxing , football , and cricket. Such use is prohibited by the rules of the governing bodies of most sports. AAS use occurs among adolescents, especially by those participating in competitive sports. It has been suggested that the prevalence of use among high-school students in the U.
The AAS that have been used most commonly in medicine are testosterone and its many esters but most typically testosterone undecanoate , testosterone enanthate , testosterone cypionate , and testosterone propionate ,  nandrolone esters typically nandrolone decanoate and nandrolone phenylpropionate , stanozolol , and metandienone methandrostenolone.
Designer steroids are AAS that have not been approved and marketed for medical use but have been distributed through the black market. There are four common forms in which AAS are administered: Oral administration is the most convenient. Testosterone administered by mouth is rapidly absorbed, but it is largely converted to inactive metabolites, and only about one-sixth is available in active form. This modification reduces the liver's ability to break down these compounds before they reach the systemic circulation.
Testosterone can be administered parenterally , but it has more irregular prolonged absorption time and greater activity in muscle in enanthate , undecanoate , or cypionate ester form.
These derivatives are hydrolyzed to release free testosterone at the site of injection; absorption rate and thus injection schedule varies among different esters, but medical injections are normally done anywhere between semi-weekly to once every 12 weeks. A more frequent schedule may be desirable in order to maintain a more constant level of hormone in the system. In addition, because estered testosterone is dissolved in oil, intravenous injection has the potential to cause a dangerous embolism clot in the bloodstream.
Transdermal patches adhesive patches placed on the skin may also be used to deliver a steady dose through the skin and into the bloodstream. There is also the risk that an intimate partner or child may come in contact with the application site and inadvertently dose himself or herself; children and women are highly sensitive to testosterone and can suffer unintended masculinization and health effects, even from small doses.
Injection is the most common method used by individuals administering AAS for non-medical purposes. The traditional routes of administration do not have differential effects on the efficacy of the drug. Studies indicate that the anabolic properties of AAS are relatively similar despite the differences in pharmacokinetic principles such as first-pass metabolism. However, the orally available forms of AAS may cause liver damage in high doses.
Known possible side effects of AAS include: Depending on the length of drug abuse, there is a chance that the immune system can be damaged. Most of these side-effects are dose-dependent, the most common being elevated blood pressure , especially in those with pre-existing hypertension. AAS have been shown to alter fasting blood sugar and glucose tolerance tests. A number of severe side effects can occur if adolescents use AAS.
For example, AAS may prematurely stop the lengthening of bones premature epiphyseal fusion through increased levels of estrogen metabolites , resulting in stunted growth. Other effects include, but are not limited to, accelerated bone maturation , increased frequency and duration of erections, and premature sexual development.
AAS use in adolescence is also correlated with poorer attitudes related to health. Probably carcinogenic to humans. Other side-effects can include alterations in the structure of the heart , such as enlargement and thickening of the left ventricle , which impairs its contraction and relaxation , and therefore reducing ejected blood volume. AAS use can cause harmful changes in cholesterol levels: AAS use in adolescents quickens bone maturation and may reduce adult height in high doses.
There are also sex-specific side effects of AAS. Development of breast tissue in males, a condition called gynecomastia which is usually caused by high levels of circulating estradiol , may arise because of increased conversion of testosterone to estradiol by the enzyme aromatase.
This side-effect is temporary; the size of the testicles usually returns to normal within a few weeks of discontinuing AAS use as normal production of sperm resumes. Female-specific side effects include increases in body hair , permanent deepening of the voice, enlarged clitoris , and temporary decreases in menstrual cycles. Alteration of fertility and ovarian cysts can also occur in females.
Kidney tests revealed that nine of the ten steroid users developed a condition called focal segmental glomerulosclerosis , a type of scarring within the kidneys. The kidney damage in the bodybuilders has similarities to that seen in morbidly obese patients, but appears to be even more severe.
High doses of oral AAS compounds can cause liver damage. A review in CNS Drugs determined that "significant psychiatric symptoms including aggression and violence, mania , and less frequently psychosis and suicide have been associated with steroid abuse.
Long-term steroid abusers may develop symptoms of dependence and withdrawal on discontinuation of AAS". Recreational AAS use appears to be associated with a range of potentially prolonged psychiatric effects, including dependence syndromes, mood disorders , and progression to other forms of substance abuse, but the prevalence and severity of these various effects remains poorly understood.
Large-scale long-term studies of psychiatric effects on AAS users are not currently available. DSM-IV lists General diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder guideline that "The pattern must not be better accounted for as a manifestation of another mental disorder, or to the direct physiological effects of a substance e. As a result, AAS users may get misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist not told about their habit.
Affective disorders have long been recognised as a complication of AAS use. From the mids onward, the media reported "roid rage" as a side effect of AAS.
A review determined that some, but not all, randomized controlled studies have found that AAS use correlates with hypomania and increased aggressiveness, but pointed out that attempts to determine whether AAS use triggers violent behavior have failed, primarily because of high rates of non-participation.
Compared with individuals that did not use steroids, young adult males that used AAS reported greater involvement in violent behaviors even after controlling for the effects of key demographic variables, previous violent behavior, and polydrug use. The drug response was highly variable. The mechanism of these variable reactions could not be explained by demographic, psychological, laboratory, or physiological measures.
A study of two pairs of identical twins, in which one twin used AAS and the other did not, found that in both cases the steroid-using twin exhibited high levels of aggressiveness, hostility, anxiety, and paranoid ideation not found in the "control" twin.
The relationship between AAS use and depression is inconclusive. There have been anecdotal reports of depression and suicide in teenage steroid users,  but little systematic evidence.
A review found that AAS may both relieve and cause depression, and that cessation or diminished use of AAS may also result in depression, but called for additional studies due to disparate data. Androgens such as testosterone , androstenedione and dihydrotestosterone are required for the development of organs in the male reproductive system , including the seminal vesicles , epididymis , vas deferens , penis and prostate.
The pharmacodynamics of AAS are unlike peptide hormones. However, as fat-soluble hormones, AAS are membrane-permeable and influence the nucleus of cells by direct action. The pharmacodynamic action of AAS begin when the exogenous hormone penetrates the membrane of the target cell and binds to an androgen receptor AR located in the cytoplasm of that cell.
From there, the compound hormone-receptor diffuses into the nucleus, where it either alters the expression of genes  or activates processes that send signals to other parts of the cell. The effect of AAS on muscle mass is caused in at least two ways: It has been hypothesized that this reduction in muscle breakdown may occur through AAS inhibiting the action of other steroid hormones called glucocorticoids that promote the breakdown of muscles.
As their name suggests, AAS have two different, but overlapping, types of effects: Some examples of the anabolic effects of these hormones are increased protein synthesis from amino acids , increased appetite, increased bone remodeling and growth, and stimulation of bone marrow , which increases the production of red blood cells.
Through a number of mechanisms AAS stimulate the formation of muscle cells and hence cause an increase in the size of skeletal muscles , leading to increased strength. The androgenic effects of AAS are numerous. Depending on the length of use, the side effects of the steroid can be irreversible.
Processes affected include pubertal growth, sebaceous gland oil production, and sexuality especially in fetal development. Some examples of virilizing effects are growth of the clitoris in females and the penis in male children the adult penis size does not change due to steroids [ medical citation needed ] , increased vocal cord size, increased libido , suppression of natural sex hormones , and impaired production of sperm.
Men may develop an enlargement of breast tissue, known as gynecomastia, testicular atrophy, and a reduced sperm count. Compounds with a high ratio of androgenic to an anabolic effects are the drug of choice in androgen-replacement therapy e. This disassociation is less marked in humans, where all AAS have significant androgenic effects. A commonly used protocol for determining the androgenic: The VP weight is an indicator of the androgenic effect, while the LA weight is an indicator of the anabolic effect.
Two or more batches of rats are castrated and given no treatment and respectively some AAS of interest. Animal studies also found that fat mass was reduced, but most studies in humans failed to elucidate significant fat mass decrements.
The effects on lean body mass have been shown to be dose-dependent. Both muscle hypertrophy and the formation of new muscle fibers have been observed. The hydration of lean mass remains unaffected by AAS use, although small increments of blood volume cannot be ruled out. The upper region of the body thorax, neck, shoulders, and upper arm seems to be more susceptible for AAS than other body regions because of predominance of ARs in the upper body.
After drug withdrawal, the effects fade away slowly, but may persist for more than 6—12 weeks after cessation of AAS use.
Overall, the exercise where the most significant improvements were observed is the bench press. The measurement of the dissociation between anabolic and androgenic effects among AAS is based largely on a simple although arguably unsophisticated and outdated model involving rat tissue bioassays.
The intracellular metabolism theory explains how and why remarkable dissociation between anabolic and androgenic effects can occur despite the fact that these effects are mediated through the same signaling receptor, and of course why dissociation is invariably incomplete.
An animal study found that two different kinds of androgen response elements could differentially respond to testosterone and DHT upon activation of the AR. Changes in endogenous testosterone levels may also contribute to differences in myotrophic—androgenic ratio between testosterone and synthetic AAS./p>
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow! When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question. The Old Virgin In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker who also happened to be the local postal clerk to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker, the postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: A middle aged man goes to his regular doctor for his physical and gets sent to a urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly, I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers? A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg.
The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the old drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! The Beaujolais Bistro A group of year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying and playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, the old geezer was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Mahatma Gandhi Mahatma Gamdhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him oh, man, this is so bad, it's good The Old Rancher A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there.
I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. Bill sez, "You ever made a Freudian slip? The other day I was at the airport, and the woman at the airline counter was quite well endowed. I meant to say, 'I'd like two tickets for Pittsburgh.
But it came out, 'I'd like two pickets for Tittsburgh. That happened to me this morning. My wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say, 'Dear, could you please pass the marmalade.
The Christmas Invitation Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5: Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
By the way, what should I wear? Just gonna be the two of us. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. Age Is A Funny Thing. Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. He answered, "In Why do you ask? He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old wrinkled SOB asked, "What did you teach? Haven't Been Home Yet An elderly man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.
Can you help me? You take some pills and your problems are history. A couple of months later the doctor runs into his patient on the street. This drug is a miracle. Baby's First Exam A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
You don't have any milk. Bad News A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live.
Forgiveness When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Perfect Eyesight Arthur is 90 years old. One day he arrives home looking downcast. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. He yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? The old man says, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there? Movie Theater Pervert An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder? Wherever I go, Chuck goes. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. He spoke to the U. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. I just love hearing it. Walk On Water Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took aboat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat Jim Bobjust barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. Free Oranges A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry! Rape charges Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you? I Hate Weddings I hate them because the old people always poke you and say "Your next!. The Talking Frog An 86 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up. The man said, 'Are you talking to me? Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride. Then the frog said, 'What are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride. Ask Jeeves My something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet.
Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said. Think of something to ask it. The Virgin There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said,"Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman.
How about coming back to my place? They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman.
Surely she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!
Elderly Customer An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. Riddle What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies? The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.
The Bran Muffins The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young they were both in very good health largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now. The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
You can play for free every day. Peter to the man. This all free for you to enjoy. All you do here is enjoy yourself". The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins. We could have been here ten years ago. Dear Tide I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with the old geezer's blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the Hefty bag people. Honey That Was Wonderful! After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop? He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road. I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card, smartass!! The Nudist Colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you? The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. Good Eyesight Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!
Fruit Flies This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. I'm still a virgin. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs.
The bad news is you've got fruit flies. The Old Miser There was an old man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
Well, he eventually died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment! Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him. I surely did," said the wife. If he can cash it, he can spend it. Be Careful What You Wish For A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story The Flasher Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. She showed me a small paper gown on the exam table for Natasha and wanted me to have her empty her bladder. The doctor was also running late she said. I did not want my daughter wearing this bulky gown as the doctor touched her, I wanted to see everything. After having Natasha go pee, I pulled her dress off and removed her shoes. As Natasha climbed on the table, I placed the gown under her dress on the counter.
We waited and waited. The doctor and nurse came rushing in after twenty minutes. My old doctor, I kind of remember. He was tall, slim and had long boney fingers. He glaced at my daughter sitting on the exam table as he picked up the chart. The nurse went and started to set up a small stainless steel table with items on it. The doctor asked how long, what has been done and has Natasha been stating with family or friends. Okay he said and gave me a paper to sigh giving him consent to examine my daughter.
I signed it and went and stood by the exam table. The doctor washed his hands and pulled a stool and light towards the end of the exam table. He stood at the end of the table, explained to my daughter that he was going to feel her belly and bottom to see if he could find where it hurts. Here was my little girl again, getting ready to be touched by a strange man. So my daughter allowed this tall old man to push her down on her back. Her eyes followed his hands as they moved to the side of her hips, his fingers nimblely hooking her panties to slid them down her hanging legs and in a flash, he was handing them to the nurse.
Not a word from my daughter as she laid there completely naked in front of this man, who was uncovering the small table. Gloves, oitment and a long metal funnel that look kind of old. The nurse was softly talking to Natasha that everything would be okay and that the doctor would be finished soon.
Natasha ignored her as she watched the doctor down by her feet. He sit down on the stool and turned on the light, aiming it towards her. As the doctor took both hands and grabbed her underneath her knees, he lifted them up, slid her towards him until her bottom was at the edge of the table, placing her feet back on the table.
My daughter remained quiet and just watched as she was positioned by this man. Getting started, he placed on hand on her inner thigh, way up, close to her exposed sex. He gently pushed that thigh over and holding it there, his other hand went to her little hairless lips. As his fingers touched her flesh, my cock jerked in my pants. Holding her little lips open, his other hand felt her. His fingers moving all over her. My eyes moved to my daughters face as this mans large hands touched her immature little hairless pussy.
I was amazed to see her staring down her belly at this man, her breath was short and sharp as every once in awhile her bottom jerked up and her legs arched slightly.
His bare fingers feeling her, holding her hairless pussy lips and pulling them apart. With her lips pulled wide, I watched him use his thumbs to feel her little clit, which was right in front of his eyes. My cock jerked as I saw him do this. I could see it, under his thumb, getting bigger. In a moment it was fully erect, and then as he examined it, my daughter stared at the ceiling and slightly arched her back. Finishing this, the doctor uncovered a nearby tray and that is when I saw it. A small plastic speculum.
The size of my small finger and about four inches long. Oh my god i thought, my little girl was going to have something for the very first time pushed up into her body. My mind was reeling as I tried to imagine my seven year old daughter feeling this.
I wanted to watch her face as she felt this little piece of plastic fill up her vagina. I could take hours telling this, but I wanted to send it to you as I want to know if this excites you and if you wanted me to continue.
See after the doctors visit, my new desires is to watch my daughter being touched by another man sexually, like in a mens room and I was wondering if you had every done that or would be interested in do it. Please write me and let me know what.
And if yes, what would you do and how far would you go. I am soooooo hard right now. Contact me for more about the doctor and my daughter….
Once when i was younger, I woke up in the middle of the night because my mom was grinding my back. As weeks turned into months, all I could do was think about that guy touching my daughter. I masturbated almost every day and tried to think of how to find another situation to where my little seven year old would be able to be touched by a grown man without me going to jail or prison. I remember when Natasha was three years old and during a checkup, the doctor laid her down, felt her tummy.
Then pulled her panties down and opened her legs, and pulled her little lips apart, looking there. It was over in ten seconds. After five pediatricians refused, I had to rethink this. That sent a jolt of electricity straight to my cock. On the day, I explained to Natasha that she was going for her regular checkup and dressed her in her blue Mickey Mouse dress, pink panties and sandals. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
What he wants above everything else is safety. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.
The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10, revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride. He is not actually happy when free; he is uncomfortable, a bit alarmed, and intolerably lonely. Liberty is not a thing for the great masses of men. It is the exclusive possession of a small and disreputable minority, like knowledge, courage and honor.
It takes a special sort of man to understand and enjoy liberty — and he is usually an outlaw in democratic societies. If ever a man is to achieve anything like dignity, it can happen only if superior men are given absolute freedom to think what they want to think and say what they want to say. I am against any man and any organization which seeks to limit or deny that freedom.
If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job. It looks like plaster of Paris, like dirty beach sand with lots of footprints in it. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen. All real Americans love the sting of battle. All men are frightened. The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened.
Rather we should thank God that such men lived. When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead! Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way. David Beaty, Kansas — We are not really sure what is going on at Kansas…. Rutgers is not winning another game in and when you are a head football coach and in your….
Inferior Football Team in Tennessee by 2 or 3 times that beat Auburn on its homefield. Gus Malzahn in a Petty, Selfish, and in a Big Ego kind of way has created a toxic place for his assistant coaches to work and that has now seeped down to the Auburn players and unless someone owns up…. Head Football Coach of the Auburn Tigers! What is probably coming for Gus Malzahn and the Auburn football team?
In my opinion anything less than 6 wins this season and Randy is gone, but who would we hire? We would guess that UNC maybe wins 2 more games to finish at…. Thus why there are so many asinine contracts in college football and also because Athletic Directors and Presidents are….
So Damn Easy To Roll! Oh…San Jose State now at 0 — 6 on the season still has to play in games against…. That looks like at best…a record of…. Lovie Smith, Illinois — On Saturday Lovie Smith coached his 30 th football game at Illinois against Purdue and his team lost at home to a team with roughly the same amount of talent in Purdue by the score of…. Lovie Smith is his third year coaching the Illini and his records now stand at….
Now what Damn sense does that make and why in the Hell was Paul Johnson not fired on the field after the Duke game? Exactly why we would have fired Paul Johnson on the field right after the Duke game on Saturday! Gus Malzahn , Auburn 2. Mike Gundy , Oklahoma State. Pitiful Kansas State team on Saturday. Lazy Ass Head Coach in Stillwater! Boone, we know a Helluva Head Football Coach that would love to have the Oklahoma State job and in addition to not being Lazy As Hell like Mike Gundy he could win in so you might want to get that checkbook out and make it out to….
In our humble opinion of course! You want the name of that coach Boone just give us a call…you should have our number! Keep going through the things that you like to do, until you find something that you actually seem to be extremely good at. It can be anything. The most important thing in the end is survival and being able to get to your next picture.
Put blinders on and plow right ahead. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Jedi. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained. A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. What he was doing.
A Jedi craves not these things. I saw — I saw a city in the clouds. They were in pain… Yoda: It is the future you see. Always in motion is the future. Decide you must, how to serve them best. If you leave now, help them you could; but you would destroy all for which they have fought, and suffered.
Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3, to 1. Never tell me the odds. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.
Even between the land and the ship. I am wondering, why are you here? Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm? Help you I can. Wars not make one great. Do… or do not. There is no try. That is why you fail. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. Vader… Is the dark side stronger?
Quicker, easier, more seductive. But how am I to know the good side from the bad? You will know… when you are calm, at peace, passive. A domain of evil it is.
In you must go. Only what you take with you. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership. It is by action that an organism develops its faculties, increases its energy, and attains the fulfillment of its destiny. It will look better in the morning. Get mad, then get over it.
Avoid having your ego so close to your position that, when your position falls, your ego goes with it. It can be done! Be careful what you choose, you may get it. Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier. Successful leaders know how to define their mission, convey it to their subordinates and ensure they have the right tools and training needed to get the job done. Leaders should never show fear or anger. Effective leaders are made, not born.
They learn from trial and error, and from experience. Leadership is about conveying a sense of purpose in a selfless manner and creating conditions of trust while displaying moral and physical courage.
A false leader is someone who fails to get the necessary resources for his or her staff to do their jobs. If not, the organization will weaken and crumble. When something fails, a true leader learns from the experience and puts it behind him. Good leaders must know how to reward those who succeed and know when to retrain, move, or fire ineffective staff.
So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible. Try to be better than yourself. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. That is, to have in words what you believe and are acting from. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. A bear or a deer, too, has got to be scared of a coward the same as a brave man has got to be.
It is easy enough to say that man is immortal because he will endure: I refuse to accept this. I believe that man will not merely endure: It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past.
Khrushchev says that Communism, the police state, will bury the free ones. But if he means that Communism will bury capitalism, he is correct. That funeral will occur about ten minutes after the police bury gambling.
Because simple man, the human race, will bury both of them. That will be when we have expended the last grain, dram, and iota of our natural resources. But man himself will not be in that grave. The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next. Its various allegories are the charts against which he measures himself and learns to know what he is.
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